


Space Between Us

by Pachitastic



Series: Bees, Empathy, Telepathy [5]
Category: Tokyo Demons
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:14:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3521984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pachitastic/pseuds/Pachitastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kadoyuki centric drabble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Space Between Us

Kadoyuki struggled with sleep, no matter what he did. Things might be okay when he first crawled into bed, but they never stayed that way. He would wake up, panicked and sweating, feeling small and powerless all over again.

He usually would drag himself out of his blanket cocoon after a few minutes, go sit in the shower and make the water just hot enough to drown out everything else-- every other feeling, leaving his skin red and splotchy. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world, but he needed it.

Tonight however, showering wasn’t an option. You can’t take burning hot showers for days in a row, sometimes twice a day, and not have any side effects. His skin was itchy and dry, which didn’t really bother him, but it bothered Sachi, no matter how much he tried to quiet his thoughts. It wasn’t even Sachi _caring_ that was the problem, but rather that Kadoyuki had to _hear_ it. But all the shower was was a distraction, so replace it with something else.

Three in the morning, the city was no more quiet than during the day. Kadoyuki got out of bed, wandering around his small room for a couple minutes before walking into the living room of the shared apartment. Technically, it was shared between Kado and Sachi, though Ayase came over a lot. Sometimes she would be there for a week at a time, but she always left in the end. Things were calmer these days, but there were still church missions that called upon Ayase and her skills. She was happy to oblige, disappearing for days, weeks at a time, sporadic text messages here and there letting everyone know that she was, in fact, alive.

Ayase and Sachi’s relationship was so _easy_. They meshed together in ways that Kadoyuki couldn’t even imagine himself doing. He knew they weren’t _really_ all that touchy with each other, but they could touch and neither had the first reaction to flinch or jump. There was always a space between Kadoyuki and Sachi and there was nothing he could do about it. He had tried to steel himself, let Sachi touch his skin. It was a failure though, every time. All Sachi could feel was terror and all Kadoyuki could hear was worry and sadness and some _stupid_ sense of failure.

Once in a blue moon, Kadoyuki didn’t feel terrified of everything, but he didn’t feel like himself either, so even if they kissed or held hands then, there was so much dissociation that it left him feeling hollow. He couldn’t love someone unless he wasn’t wholly himself, so what good was it?

But Sachi was so _happy_ on those days, Kadoyuki couldn’t bring himself to say anything after the fact. He couldn’t tell if Sachi knew or not.

Tonight, Sachi had fallen asleep on the couch, the TV quietly playing some repeat newscast. He flipped it off and sat down in front of the couch, just _looking_ at Sachi. When Sachi had asked Kadoyuki to move in with him, he had been excited. Nervous, but excited. Kadoyuki picked up the implications of what living with someone he had feelings for _meant_ but Sachi cut that train of thought short. There were two bedrooms, he had mentioned, so that way, Kadoyuki could have his space.

It was what lead him to saying yes, but he almost wished that things were more forced. That he _couldn’_ t hide away. He craved space and he craved barriers, all the time. He didn’t want to be touched or close to anyone, but what if he had to be? Maybe things would be _kind_ of okay. Maybe he could make himself just get _over_ all of it.

But that would never be how it really worked.

Sachi was completely asleep, and once Sachi was asleep, he was hard to wake up. Not that Kadoyuki wanted him to wake up right now.

Softly, quietly, he ran his fingers lightly over Sachi’s cheek. Sachi was soft… Kadoyuki didn’t want to only be able to touch Sachi this way, with Sachi asleep and unknowing. It was weird, even if it was innocent. He only wanted to be closer, but how much did it mean if Sachi wasn’t awake? He couldn’t feel, he didn’t know that Kadoyuki was at least _trying_ to make things a little better between them. Sachi had done so much for Kadoyuki, sticking by his side through everything, but what had Kadoyuki done? Nothing that didn’t pale in comparison. He wanted to make things better-- he wanted to love Sachi in the ways he knew his beacon wanted to be loved.

Sachi wanted to be kissed. Sachi wanted _sex_.

The only time Kadoyuki had ever gotten Sachi off was under hypnosis, and even though Sachi was _Sachi_ and Sachi would never hurt him, the smell of his cum had been nauseating, and Kadoyuki absolutely _couldn’t_ touch him. He couldn’t. Even trembling fingers with featherlight touches was a huge step.

He wished it was as simple to hug Sachi as it was to hug Ayase. Ayase had been so much easier to get used to. He still jumped, he couldn’t handle it too long, but she could hug him and it felt _nice_ for a moment before he realized how thin his walls were when they were that close.

“Sachi…”

Kadoyuki pulled his hand back as Sachi stirred, his brown eyes opening blearily. Sachi’s thoughts were a mix of confusion but happiness. Stupid happiness over just _seeing_ Kadoyuki.

“D-Did you fall asleep with your contacts in again?”

Sachi blinked a few times, thinking a moment.

“Not this time.”

Sachi’s thoughts were still warm, little happy flutterings of words.

“Are you just… sleeping in here?” Kado asked.

“Yeah, I think so. I’m already comfortable.”

Kadoyuki said nothing, only standing to leave.

“Hey Kado?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Sachi didn’t even reach for him anymore. Didn’t try to read him.

“... I’m fine.”


End file.
